Season 3, episode 11: Running with scissors

“Could I feel any more like a hooker?” – Carrie

Sex sam.jpgGood grief. A few episodes ago we learned that Miranda had never been tested for chlamydia in her entire life. This time we learn that Samantha – Sa-fucking-mantha! – has never had an HIV test. Ever. What planet are these women living on? And why is she telling the doctor she only swallows when surprised? She’s only just finished gargling with funky spunk!

The revelation gets Carrie to thinking about safe sex, but in terms of emotional rather than physical high stakes. She ponders how useful it would be to be given a pamphlet warning about this type of self-protection. She’s musing, of course, rather than formulating public policy ideas, but this is the direction in which sex education has been evolving for the past few decades.

Of course, there probably aren’t any schools materials pointing out the heartbreak risk of cheating on your nice boyfriend with your dickish married ex. Surely no-one’s so daft they need that pointed out? The “affair” has now been going on for three weeks, and with Samantha refusing to judge her for it Carrie turns to Miranda, who is rightly appalled.

“I’m just so confused,” says Carrie. “I mean, does he only want me now because he can’t have me?”
“Yes,” replies Miranda bluntly, to Carrie’s dismay.

In Carrie’s defence, the affair does seem super sexy: the pair are creeping around in down-market hotels with no air conditioning, bickering about the difficulties of fitting illicit shags into their busy schedules. In one particularly special moment, Big utters the phrase “let’s get those panties off.” That’s it. Game over. Mr Big? Mr Bleurgh.

Carrie’s then horrible to Aidan, cruelly telling him she hates his kissing noise before switching to needy and annoying mere seconds later. Aidan really has a lot of credit in the bank here. Frankly I think he could do better, girlfriend-wise.

Soon afterwards the cat’s out of the bag when Charlotte bumps into the panties-off pair exiting a hotel together. Carrie tries to convince her she feels bad for Natasha, but it’s an obvious lie and Charlotte doesn’t let her away with it. Good.

After a session in the marital bed – and fresh from being mistaken for a prostitute – Carrie says she can’t got on like this. Big responds by threatening to tell Natasha it’s over then issues an ultimatum to Carrie – in or out. Carrie seeks clarification – what’s he really offering? A proper, public relationship, “out in the daylight”? “Carrie, in or out,” he repeats, like a slippery Brexiteer MP. Things then take a disastrous turn (that I’d totally forgotten about) when Natasha comes home early to find a half-naked Carrie in the flat, gives chase and falls on her face.

I’m really not sure why Carrie then declares to Big that “we’re so over, we need a new word for over”. Because he was willing to leave his wife for her? Was she, in fact, was the one who only wanted someone she couldn’t have?

Elsewhere, Charlotte’s hijacking brunch with her quest for the perfect wedding dress. “Kill me, please,” is Miranda’s typically on-message response. “Just take a sharp object and drag it across my throat.” Fortunately, everyone is spared the effort of helping Charlotte plan her outfit when Samantha gives her the number of bitchy stylist Anthony. This seems a little cold. They’re bridesmaids, right? Isn’t this stuff part of the gig?

Sex char dress.jpgCarrie’s column: When you crawl in bed with someone, is sex ever safe?

Fashion: Charlotte wears a nice grey halterneck dress for her trip to Vera Wang with Anthony. It reminds me of the lovely blue number with lapels she sported when Trey took her to Tiffany’s.

I also love the navy shirt dress  and red scarf combo Miranda wears to make an irrational complaint of sexual harassment against a man dressed as a sandwich.

Puns: Nope.


Series 3, episode 6: Are we sluts?

“I’ve slept with women quickly and I’m still single. So my new thing is, I just want to try to sleep with somebody I care about” – Aidan

Sex sluts.jpgHold up a minute. Miranda finds out in this episode that she has chlamydia, following a routine trip to the gynaecologist. There’s nothing surprising about that, but here’s the mad bit: it was the first time she’d been tested. What the hell, ladies? Given you’re asking yourself the question in the episode’s title, that seems more than a little bit irresponsible. Even madder is when she tells Steve, and he replies: “I don’t even know what that is, but it sounds like a problem.”

Meanwhile, Charlotte has a jarring experience with a lovely guy who unwittingly shouts out “You fucking bitch, you fucking whore!” when he comes, Samantha’s neighbours are unhappy about her slutty antics (they’d bitten their tongues up until now, but her late-night liaisons are compromising the building’s security), and Carrie’s forgotten what chaste romance feels like.

Aidan is a man who knows what he wants: a non-smoking girlfriend who’s willing to wait. And wait. Carrie’s initially baffled that he lets a week and a half go by without trying to get in her pants, but as time marches on she fears they’re slipping into the friend zone. Then they have a bath together. Then they go to a blues club. Then Aidan presumptuously arranges a dog-sitter. Romance is not dead after all.

Samantha moves to the meat-packing district after the neighbours start sharpening their pitchforks. To be fair, one of them sustained a pretty serious eye injury thanks to her opening the door at 2am, so I can’t really blame them.

sex sluts outfits.pngCarrie’s column: Are we simply romantically challenged, or are we sluts?

Fashion: The patchwork coat was back again. Maybe Aidan complimented her on it or something. Carrie matches her trousers with Miranda’s top when they go for a style-challenged stroll in the park.

Puns: None – the slut-or-not soul-searching was serious business.